


I Want to Hold Your Hand

by beifomg



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Biblical References, Fantasy, Intimacy, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Oneshot, Surrealism, hentai mention, oh and theres a frickin meme in therE, some language, space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 17:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8111059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beifomg/pseuds/beifomg
Summary: Everything's the same.
Except Sehun can't sleep as much as he wants to. He's being plagued by bad dreams and he's 99.9% sure the universe doesn't want him well-rested. Junmyeon won't stop whimpering in his sleep, and Baekhyun knows more than he lets on. So, no, things aren't quite the same. The question is, will everything be okay? Let's have the fates answer to that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Rating/Warnings: A hard T. Language, intimacy, lots of space and surrealism, intrusive thoughts, biblical references, and oh, the mention of hentai and one certain meme. Yep.
> 
> Author's Note: Holy cow, guys. I... honestly don't know what this fic is exactly. But as it grew before my eyes, I got to love the hell out of it, and I hope you, my readers, do too! This oneshot of 2,918 words has, to say the least, got me shookening the shook out of my shook self. Hell. I need to sleep, but finished and edited this fic for y'all!!!
> 
> As you read this story, you will encounter a couple of Owl City lyrics from Galaxies and I'll Meet You There. There's also a One Direction song reference in there, if you squint. :)
> 
> I reaaally hope you guys enjoy this oneshot as much as I had fun writing it! If I were to liken this story to a song, it would be Alive by Schiller feat. Adam Young.
> 
> Quick disclaimer: I don't own EXO or Sehun or Suho or Baekhyun. I also most certainly do not own outer space. Bruh. All that happens here is fictional.
> 
> Without further ado, I present to you: I Want to Hold Your Hand.

It started with a bang.  
  
First there was light. Blazing, hellish light. It spun with reckless abandon. No corner was left hollow. Each and every maw driven by hunger ravished the heavens. The light filled every nook and cranny. It rose like a tidal wave, sheathing the land.

Each lane was crowded. Traffic jammed, pedestrians slammed against each other, and born was noise. "Finite matter squished into infinite destiny," they call it. As time passed by, the flames simmered down into an endless sea of possibilities. From the youngest plankton to the most humongous whale, it expanded. It thrived, and finally, the waters receded.  
  
Then came he.  
  
Then came feeling.  
  
Then came the inferno.  
  
Beside him is a stranger. He can't seem to figure out who it is. He's holding their hand with a steel grip and neither of them wants to let go, but out of nowhere the wind howls, the hairs on his neck stand, and the rain falls on his face. A child is wailing in the distance. But no, it's not that. There is no child. He can taste the salt of tears on his tongue, and it hurts so much. Why? He can't stop weeping. The wind whirls into a hulking, looming demon, and before either of them can scream in fear it tears them apart, engulfing them in tattered pieces left to rustle in the wind.  
  
Sehun jolts awake. For a moment there he thinks he had crashed onto the ground, knocking his breath out of his lungs. He sits up and turns around in panic, but in the dark there's nothing much to see, really. But his vision lands on his digital clock, and he sighs in relief. It was just a bad dream.

Junmyeon is sound asleep, swathed in his blanket on the other side of the room. Sehun tries to will himself to sleep again, but he can't, the sensation of falling branding itself onto his skin _. I guess it's one of those nights where I'm too tired to sleep_. He sighs, rubbing his eyes, and is surprised to find his cheeks wet. Did a leak in the ceiling decide to expose itself  tonight? He grabs and uses his phone's flashlight to inspect the ceiling, but there isn't any sign of a leak or crack. Huh. Baffled, Sehun clicks his phone off and sighs more deeply this time, going back under the covers.  
   
Did he cry in his sleep?  
   
Why would he have? An array of emotions hits him like a truck, until the pain coalesces into loneliness, making itself home in his chest.

He rolls to his side and watches his hyung sleep.  
  
Junmyeon startles him, big time, and a high " _fuck_ " escapes the maknae's lips. Junmyeon is suddenly sitting up, eyebrows crossed while his eyes remain closed. His posture is stiff as he, to Sehun's horror and awe, utters the words, "EXO SARANGHAJA," then falls back down to bed, appearing like nothing happened.  
  
Goddammit, that almost gave Sehun a heart attack. He could almost imagine the headlines that would have made it to the front page of tomorrow’s best-selling newspaper: "EXO MEMBER DIES OF A HEART ATTACK AS ROOMMATE SLEEPTALKS".  
  
Sehun, calming down, emits a groan. Why can't sleep overcome him? He watches the elder start to snore, more out of wariness than boredom now. It's only two minutes later that Junmyeon does it again, same two words, and this time Sehun's slightly more prepared. He's seen enough jumpscares online to remember to never let his guard down.  
  
It feels like an hour passes, and Sehun is still awake. Junmyeon starts to whimper.  
  
_God, please. Not this again. Why?_  
  
His eyes rove over Junmyeon's body. He can't see much, having only the moonlight and the glow of the digital clock to aid him, but he doesn't really need to. He knows how this Kim Junmyeon sleeps—he's his roommate after all. But more than that, he's confident he knows more than a handful about Junmyeon. Other than being a dignified leader who's worked hard than most idols he personally knows, he is a close friend. You can be sure he's got your back, even if he roasts you some other time. And, of course, Junmyeon has the looks _and_ the physique. To state the obvious, his face was flawlessly symmetrical, and he worked out whenever their schedule could allow it. Hours at the gym made his chiseled abs stand out, and well, yeah, Sehun _has_ seen him in his briefs...  
  
NO. _No no no no no_. Taking this as his cue to get up and distract himself, Sehun runs his hands down his face and plants his feet on the floor. He makes sure to walk on his tiptoes and close the door as quietly as he can, and rakes his eyes over Junmyeon one last time before he exits the room.  
  
In an almost dreamlike state he shuffles sluggishly to the kitchen, flicking the lights on and making a beeline to the fridge. He's too out of it to notice Baekhyun sipping from a mug just a few feet away from him.  
  
"Helo would u like some of this hot choclety milk," Baekhyun deadpans.  
  
Sehun jumps thirty feet off the floor.  
  
" _Jesus_ , Baekhyun! What in the name of Jongdae's left foot fourth toe are you doing here?" he starts, shrieking the living daylights out of both of them. Sehun vows to never admit he slightly peed his boxers then and there. "You were even in the dark!"  
  
"Shhhhhh!" Baekhyun grunts and nonchalantly gestures to the counter, where his phone sits, a video on pause and earphones plugged in. "I’m watching the finer things in life."  
  
Sehun sighs, pulling a face. "Let me guess, hentai?"  
  
"No, Dr. Pimple Popper lipoma videos—yES hentai. God." The main vocalist yawns, arms so outstretched that Sehun takes a step back. Baekhyun mimics a lion, a disheveled mane cut short framing his face.  
  
"Ugh, don't take it that way. I don't really want to nut, man. I don't even like hentai,” he says, grimacing. “I'm just bored out of _my miiiind_." He pulls the skin under his eyes down, moaning.  
  
" _Right_. And of course your chosen course of action is to put on some freaky hentai while you drink chocolate in the middle of the night. Very wise," Sehun remarks, sitting atop the counter, and adds shortly, "I don't even know what a lipoma is."  
  
"Dude, you don't really want to know."  
  
Baekhyun sips his hot chocolate milk, smacking his lips. "So what were you gonna get?"  
  
"Oh, uh, yeah, I just wanted to check the fridge. Can't fall back asleep, especially since Junmyeon's sleeptalking." The main dancer shrugs.  
  
Baekhyun snorts, nearly sending his drink up his nose. He coughs out, "Yeah?" More coughing. "What's he saying?"  
  
"He sat up twice and spoke in a clear voice, saying, 'EXO SARANGHAJA'," recounts Sehun, fiddling with the string on his boxers.  
  
"You're joking." Baekhyun’s eyes smile as he rubs his belly through his shirt.  
  
Sehun shakes his head, laughing. "Nope. True story.”

“I think our old man's losing it," Baekhyun responds with a hearty laugh of his own.  
  
Shuffling his feet and getting a drink of water, Sehun ponders if he should mention the recurring whimpers, but in the end thinks against it. Perhaps Junmyeon would want a little privacy, especially regarding stuff like whimpering in your sleep.  
  
Sehun checks the time. It's 1:17 am.  
  
He glances at the door leading to their room. A pool of dread emerges in him, and in a second he is confronted by the vision of a dark, hazy silhouette towering over Junmyeon's sleeping form. But he shakes the thought away, like it's nothing but an etch a sketch illustration.  
  
Nevertheless, he can't avoid that, deep inside, he feels his anxiety spike. His throat tightens.  
  
Behind that door, something is bound to happen. But what?  
  
Junmyeon-hyung has been worrying him a ton lately. He has witnessed, multiple times, the facade he's mastered. But he's the same Junmyeon, the same Suho everyone looks up to and depends on, yet the younger of the two intuits that, underneath, there's way a lot more to that. He is struck by a premonition that warns him something will definitely change tonight, and he’s already on his toes.  
  
He's heard stories of Junmyeon's trials as a trainee from several people, including Junmyeon himself, and he himself has seen what he’s gone through. The guy has shed so much blood and tears, pushed boulders and climbed mountains. Under the pressure of every suggestion, every passing year, every insult at his worth as not only a trainee but also as an individual, he has transformed into a diamond. But he still unavoidably chips at every corner, and still proves himself to be deserving of much care.  


Sehun wishes Junmyeon could see that.

  
He's shoved back to reality when Baekhyun snaps his fingers in his face. "Hey, Sehun. You've been looking at the door to your room for like two minutes now. You okay?"  
  
For a loud and, at times, obnoxious guy, Baekhyun sure is in tune with other people's feelings. These days, especially right now, Sehun appreciates him deeply for it.  
  
Or maybe Sehun just tends to be an open book, especially at a time like this.  
  
"It's... nothing. Just... just wondering if the old man's still sitting up and repeating the same thing," he laughs. "I hope not, though." He takes one more swift and furtive glance to the door.  
  
"You really love Junmyeon, don't you?"  
  
It catches Sehun off-guard. The way Baekhyun said it hinges on his chest, tugging at his heartstrings. The cub of a man has this look in his eyes, and Sehun recognizes it as a concoction of fondness, awe, and... although it looks new on him, there is also sympathy. But what is there to sympathize over? Especially with one like Byun Baekhyun?  
  
What does he know?  
  
Surrendering in defeat, the maknae heaves a heavy sigh. "Of course I do. Don't you?"  
  
Baekhyun nods, finishing his glass of milk. The vocalist flashes him a sad smile.  
  
He taps Sehun on the shoulder, depositing his empty mug into the sink. "Welp, nature's calling! I'll be going to bed after. Night."  
  
Sehun nods, smiling cheekily and intoning, "You sure you're not using that as an excuse to just leave me here to jerk off?"  
  
Baekhyun's face twists into the most appalled expression he can muster, and Sehun barks out a laugh. "What the fuck, no. Just _no_."  
  
"Just fooling with you, Baek. Night night, sleep tight," Sehun bids him.  
  
"Sure. Night, Sehun. Don't stay in here too long."  
  
Baekhyun gathers his phone and walks toward his room, lifting a hand to wave back at Sehun without caring to look back.  
  
Walking to the light switch, Sehun flicks it off. Everything turns black except for the light from the streetlamp, coming in through the window just above the sink. It's stupid and baseless, but he chafes at the strong feeling that an earthquake will happen and he'll slip through a fault line. Screaming and shouting won't do. No one will hear him there, not until he's gurgling in and spitting out his blood.  
  
He scans the room, a chill running down his spine. Worrying his lower lip with his teeth, he stops to wonder if Junmyeon ever thinks the same things. Feels similarly, is plagued by these nightmares, these ghosts of perhaps another realm.  
  
Maybe Sehun's been losing too much sleep.  
  
Maybe he shouldn't have spent his free nights back in high school reading creepypasta. Those works of fiction _did_ have a less than stellar effect on his subconscious.  
  
Maybe he wishes the fault line would really swallow him whole.  
  
Anticipating nothing, he twists the knob to their room open.  
  
Sehun spots the elder guy seated on his bed, feet on the floor, shoulders blanketed. His head is tilted up. He's peering out the window. Sehun's eyes dart to the sight out there. The  midnight clouds cushion the moon, a majestic, regal, chalky full circle. In his dreams it scintillates, like a token one can use at the arcade or collect to marvel at when you're bored and easily entertained. In his other dreams it’s a spotlight, but focused on who Sehun doesn’t know.  
  
The light puts forward a question: Is the moon aware of its own beauty and power? To be hidden in the day, but to be the master of the night, a keeper of secrets and lost wishes, is it all worth it? What does the moon have to say? What does the moon want to say? Does it have all the words of a lifetime written down on missives? Does it have pockets where it stores its letters?  
  
Well, Sehun doesn’t know _a lot_ of things.

But there it is.  
  
_It's just me, him, and the moon._  
  
The main dancer clicks the door behind him shut, breaking Junmyeon’s trance. Haloed by the moonlight passing through the window, Junmyeon looks wan but saintly. To Sehun he looks marginally younger, more naïve. And yet he already exudes the aura of a wise veteran. Tough, inspired, but that type of rigidity isolates him. He's somber too, a lambasted young God who should’ve known better. He walks the line. Sehun's not sure if he was given any other choice.  
  
Junmyeon's eyes settle briefly on the spot beside him, before flickering back to the view outside.  
  
Sehun promptly sits next to him, hands on his lap. The moon is starting to wane, he notices. And his chest aches. His bones ache. His very core hurts like hell. And his feet are so cold, he thinks he's dying, slipping away.   
  
"Sehun."  
  
_This is just a dream_. But beside him emanates warmth. The moon has so much left to say. It whispers in his ear, _No I don't want to disappear just yet._ But it has to, for now. It has to. You have to.  
  
"Sehun."  
  
_Dear God, I was terribly lost_  
When the galaxies crossed  
And the sun went dark  
  
"Sehun."

_Oh I tend to disappear here and there_  
So concentrate and you'll feel me everywhere  
And well feel the metro skies with country air  
If you're lost when you close your eyes I'll meet you there

“Sehun!”

  
_I feel you._  
  
Galaxies, voyages, an eternal solar eclipse, and the well-acquainted darkness. To be compared to the presence of: 100 orbits around the sun. The loneliness that tethers us together at night.—" _Sehun, can you hear me?_ "—The compulsion to love. The ringing bells in his ears when he sees his face. The fallible prototype of the future. Love's freckles. Love's tears.—" _Sehun, listen to my voice_."—Love's ubiquity. Love's problems. Love's favorite manga. Love's favorite person. Love’s lullaby.  
  
Love’s  
here.  
  
"Sehun."  
  
He finds himself inches from Junmyeon's face, avoiding his eyes, saving them for last, memorizing every detail, every perfect flaw and flawed perfection.  
  
Sehun finds himself reaching for the man before him. His eyes are sad, and his bones ache too, but he understands. He feels those things too.

_I feel you._  
  
Screw it. The universe waits for no one.  
  
They meet each other half-way, colliding as the stars dim and the moon flickers and the pillows are so, so soft. His lips are so fucking soft.  
  
Sehun's knees go weak and Junmyeon is nibbling on his shoulder, heaving breaths that victoriously cry out, _I'm here, I'm here. He's here, we're here. I got you. And you're not going anywhere._  
  
Tears form in tender drops on Junmyeon's eyelashes, and Sehun slips his slender hands to them and wipes them away as they fall one by one. "Why are you crying? Please don't."  
  
Junmyeon replies, incredulous and fearless and loving and loved. "You idiot, you're the one who started it." A lone tear treks down and down and down. Into the bottomless well of Sehun’s heart.  
  
And, oh, it's true. Their tears have bled into one, and it's true, too, that you find love where and when you least expect it. And they kiss, and it's unreal. "Pinch me," Sehun demands of him, and Junmyeon does. It hurts, more than he thought it would, but he’s not so shocked. And so it _is_ real. They are real.

_I swear you make me feel alive_.  
  
Bathed in moonlight, cocooned in a current of stars, they touch.  
  
The moon soon fades into the background. In their shared space, there exists no sun as of yet, but the apples of their cheeks reveal what can't be hidden—a fresh sunburn. A summer, fiery, scorching love.  
  
Fireflies hover in the room. Perhaps, Junmyeon is the light.  
  
The skies open up and it's pouring again. Inside, Sehun doesn't feel the staggering loneliness he once had. Inside, he feels a million flowers burgeoning and climbing, reshaping all the manmade clutter that was really just made to bend. There is no room for artificial love.  
  
"Are you okay?" Sehun ventures, the question coiling in him and around him, branching out to the man he loves dearly.  
  
A coy smile.   
  
_He holds my hand in his._  
  
A hearth. I love you. **_Do you?_** _  
_  
Shrouded in the shadows, the monsters and ghosts slink away. _Not today_ , Sehun thinks. One monster collapses into a disintegrating moth. The city is falling apart. Not today.  
  
In its stead flutters a pair of butterfly wings. The heavy miasma is nowhere to be seen. Not today.  
  
Not today.

**_I do. I do._ **

For the first time in weeks, Sehun and Junmyeon sleep in peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! Or hated it! As long as it made you feel things, then I did my job. Comments make me super happy, so feel free to leave a review!!! :) Thank you!


End file.
